We sat in the car for a little while. Could have been checking out the swell for all anyone would have known. We’d driven the whole way without stopping, sunrise in front of us most of the way. Sky going from dark to dawn. That hazy blue that takes over everything. As if it’s a thicker colour to any other time of the day. Driving down coastal roads, speeding along the gravel. Headlights caught a kangaroo on the side of the road a little way back. He was just perched there. Looking straight at us. A small one. I’m always surprised at how calm they are when faced with cars. I would imagine we look like these big, powerful animals that kill on impact, but the animals never seem to care. They just stay perched, little paws might give a scratch behind the ear before leaning forward into a small hop and another hop off into the bushes. I’ve never hit a kangaroo.

The heater was blowing dry air around us. I bit the nails on my right hand and tapped my left knee with the other. Triple R's monotone voices tried to soothe us. He let out a heavy sigh. I didn't ask why. I just stared, looking out over the cliffs. There were a few people out. A small swell. Beautiful conditions with a light that shone silver across the water. I looked at him. He didn't say anything. He continued to stare straight out the windscreen. I looked down at my tapping hand and stopped biting my nails. My jaw clenched instead. I looked out the window away from him, not knowing what to do or say. The tension was unchanging. It just hung in the air. Sitting there wouldn't do anything, we weren't talking anyway. All that was happening was pretending to look at the swell, pretending to listen to Triple R, and pretending to have a conversation. Pretending pretending pretending. We weren't conversing. Plenty to discuss and talk about, but all he could do was sigh. I can't really blame him for that though, I couldn't get anything out - either. At least he was able to take a deep breath in occasionally and let out some form of noise. All I did was chip away at my broken nails and tap my left leg as if I had a nervous twitch or paranoia.

I got out. Opened the boot. Dragged out my board. He didn't say anything. Just kept staring straight ahead. Wax. Wetty on. Zip. Still nothing. The boot slammed shut. He could have said something, perhaps let out another sigh, but I wouldn't have known. He was inside now, and I was out. The cold already nipping at my toes. Asphalt digging into my uncalloused Winter feet. Opening the front door again to grab a few hair ties, I paused to look at him. He tilted his head to one side and looked down at my hands as they scurried through my bag. Showing no expression, he said nothing. Didn't even look at me when I asked "you coming?" On the way down the path, the gravel scratched at my feet and drizzle chilled me. A couple of guys nodded as they passed me walking back up from the beach. Then it was my turn to sigh. I let out a bit of noise with it too. Tried it out. Why not. When my board hit the water and I started to paddle, the silence between us didn’t seem so scarring. Each wave I pushed under was a shock to my body; my hands were aching and eyes were filled with salt water. I couldn't really work out what was ocean and what were tears. Each stroke gave me power for the next. Once past the break everything was a little more peaceful. Like I said, only a couple of guys out. Spread out far enough, waiting. The silver water and light wind. A beautiful morning.

Without warning, I started to shake my fists splashing in the water - they must’ve thought I was mad. I was shaking my body and yelling out. Letting it out. The tension from the hot car and ice cold silence. I yelled and screamed and took it out on the silky water around me until I felt like an idiot. No one batted an eyelid, not that I looked at their eyelids. Stopping up for a moment, I was panting. Mouth open. Chest moving up and down with each breath. Exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. I slipped off my board, held my breath and let myself sink below the surface. Ice cold water hugged my body and enveloped my head, which throbbed and ached. Opening my eyes I searched through the dark clouded water for something, anything. Seaweed drifted around me and below me the water was just dark. I couldn’t see the bottom. My lungs started to whine, searching for air. Survival instinct kicking in. How do people manage to drown themselves? It was hard enough just to stay under for a little peace and quiet. I burst out of the water, gasping. The sun had broken through a small crack in the clouds. The cliffs shone a warm orange for a moment and the silver water reflected the sparkling light. Between the water splashing, the wind and my own thoughts I heard someone yell "out back!” so I crawled back onto my board and let it all go. I let it go and got ready for the set that was about to come in.