The cement wall beneath my fingers is burning my skin. I don’t know where I left my gloves. I don’t know anything. Standing here, my face is burning too. Lips are probably blue. Eyes are dry. I keep my hands on the wall, holding on. Holding onto what? My feet are on solid ground. Ground. I look down. It’s there. Yep. The cotton jersey hangs loose from my bones, I can see my chest heaving as I breathe. I must be breathing. Voices bounce around me. My neck creaks and skull shudders as I turn my head. Left. Right. I’m not alone. Everyone seems to be moving at a faster pace. Car lights blind me. Laughter echoes. My eyebrows furrow and a crease develops on my cheeks where my jaw holds together tightly.

My fingers are burning again. I look down. I’m scratching into the concrete. I can’t feel anything. It looks like I’m pushing too hard. I am pushing too hard. There’s blood underneath my fingertips. And yet, I can’t feel anything. Can anyone see me? I’m stuck. Not stuck standing still. I don’t know if anyone can see me. I don’t think they can. I’m a blur. Moving so slowly that I cancel myself out. No one notices anything anyway. I wonder if they’ll stop me. Without looking behind or to my side or the other side, I clutch onto a ledge and pull myself up onto the wall. An ornate night lamp shines a golden light into the dark night around it. The light doesn’t reach far. It reveals small bugs and snow flakes floating close to my lips. My mouth opens and snow flakes melt on my tongue. Or bugs. I wouldn’t know. I can’t taste anything.

I look down. I’m still breathing. My hands are a strange purple, red, bruise. The lake out below and beneath me is fluttering. Small tufts of wings on the surface, butterflies dancing to the wind. Not frozen. No. I pause. The wind is biting at my face again. Trying to tell me something. It strokes my cheek and combs fingers through my hair. Not urgent, though not softly either. The wind is harsh. Always honest. Perhaps letting me know that I’m mad. And maybe telling me that I’m right. That I’m not here, I’m already a blur. I tilt my head just enough to see lights of cars flashing past on the road behind me. Voices. Movement. Bodies. No one can see me.

I reach my hands out as far as I can throw them. Open. To the cold, to the wind, to life. The snow is thicker now. I feel it melting on my skin. My skin is burning. Hot. My heart is beating. It beats a drum in my body. Fear. And. With an exhale, I jump. Like a dolphin spinning out of water into the air, showing off. Stretching. My body spins. I feel gravity take hold. I’m not moving slowly anymore. I fall. I fall and feel exhilaration, adrenaline and thrill all at once. Freedom. Flying. Breathing. Screaming. Eyes wide open. Alive. A car horn sounds shattering my dreamy silence as I hit the water with a crack. A broken vase. A piece of glass in boiling water. The surface splits as if it were frozen and I fall beneath into the icy waters.